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I need a de-stress machine

Alright this sucks.

One year before, I ponder how was it gonna be like when I’m finally a secondary 4 student. Become more studious? Having a scheduled daily life? Did my revisions everyday? Finally handed up my homework without having to copy? NONE. Alright maybe I did improved on the last one, but hey, that shouldn’t be the case in the first place isn’t it?

I srsly thought I would make a good use of my June holidays. But NO. Really I basically spent my whole June holidays away completely without any revisions of any subject. I suck, don’t I? Now the prelims are drawing near, I can’t help to feel afraid. Prelims, shortly after, its the real exams. I heard of people saying that PSLE is easy, N-levels is easy, and even A-levels is easy. But I srsly don’t hear people saying that O-levels is easy. Am I being over-paranoid? Definitely not.

I take 7 subjects. But in fact, I have to study for nine. While everyone can enjoy having other lessons during mother tongue, I’m still stuck with my higher mother tongue, worrying about my paper at the end of the year with the other subjects. Honestly speaking, I don’t think its fair from the beginning. Yes I know the 2 marks is very seductive, but really, its not that easy to gain. Like for my cca, I did put in the effort. Alright maybe some luck, but still, I know how much time and effort I actually gave. Getting an A1 for my CCA doesn’t come falling from the sky, it really takes hard work, and I know.

But really, since I could give my 110% for my CCA, why not to my studies? I know I’m not studious, and I’m not born with an intellectually clever brain. My brother does. But still, despite I know how much I can do it, I just can’t. Perhaps I was a really lazy person to begin with, so I don’t really see myself putting in my utmost effort. But, I did so for my amaths. If it weren’t for tuition late last year, I wouldn’t have caught up, and I’ll still be failing my amaths with an F9. I know I can do it, but I can’t find the motivation to push me further.

I hate to admit that I’m stressed. Cos it’ll only show how weak I am. How much I need counselling and guidance. How much I have to rely on others to get things done. I’ve always put up a brave front to show others that I’m strong enough to overcome all odds,  but as years goes by, I’m beginning to tear down that wall that I’ve built for the past few years. I just couldn’t do it myself. I need help. I want others to care. I yearned for someone to know how I felt.

So I began tuition, admitting how stressed and life has fucked me on my blog and Twitter, showing my weak side to others for the very first time. It was then I realized it wasn’t so bad. I told others how I felt, though I’m not sure how much they understood, but at least, I could finally relate my stuffs to at least a someone and not bottle up everything inside.

I know I always complain about life. That’s cos I’m too narrow-minded sometimes. And I admit that. Sometimes I think I know myself too well, yet there are times where I felt that I was just another soul inside a  stranger’s body. I don’t exactly control my emotions well, cos I just can’t.  I always hoped that I’m mentally healthy cos I don’t feel normal. My emotions are always going on a roller-coaster ride. I’m really sick of that.

Alright so after typing several chunks of paragraph, I hope you can see that I’m a fucking stressed student trying to de-stress everything on her blog. Sorry I don’t have a journal and typing seems like a easier chore. For once in my 16 years of life, I’m actually feeling really really really terrified. It’s a much more scarier emotion than when you’re in a haunted house. It’s my future I’m talking about. And I’m only 16. I still feel that its too early for such emotions to surface.

So instead of revising my work now, I’m typing this whole chunk of words. Anyway I should be sleeping now. But I don’t want to spent the rest of the day doing nothing. This is what I go through everyday. Fuck. But then, it feels better to convey all my thoughts and feelings to the cyber world. Perhaps I should do this more often.

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Fragments of the past

Ok I was reminded of what happened last Friday about our DM in school, which makes me ponder why the heck can he even be made DM in the first place. Alright so that’s not my point. My point is, my primary school DM was much much better than him. He was an ex-CID and was much younger and better-looking, alright not really very good-looking but at least BETTER. Everyone was really terrified of him cos he’ll be holding on to a cane every time he patrols around the school. Yup but he was an impartial person. He’ll only punish whoever had misbehaved and definitely would not blend in with the students. I mean, the students would have to be respectful towards you to make them adhere to whatever you say isn’t it? I think that’s what a DM should be like.

Anyway, I didn’t really have experiences with him cos mainly, I was a rather well-behaved student. Hehe (primary schools, how bad can it be?) Except for once though. It was sort of a bully case and I was the victim. But then it wasn’t really that serious cos it was only a mere play that got out of hand. I couldn’t remember the details, but it was something like this guy strangled me while playing around really ecstatically and I almost couldn’t breathe so I cried like hell. The case was then brought to the DM and I broke down in front of him, and he was nice to comfort me and punished the guy.  Yup the memories were vague but it left a strong impression on me. Cos ironically, I actually liked the guy for that (he apologized and we were friends again then yada yada) and he even went to the same secondary school as I was. Yeah it was so stupid.

Basically, it felt more like school during the primary school years. There’s like school buses, parents/guardians to fetch you after school and activities to make us learn more. But nonetheless, secondary schools are better cos gadgets and ankle socks were allowed, and most importantly, I didn’t feel like a kid anymore. Well perhaps if I were to write this post 3 years before, I would say I love primary school better. LOL. I mean, at different stages of life, you’ll feel differently. Like now, I’m leaving secondary school in a few months time, I’m beginning to appreciate wearing school uniforms and having lessons. Yeah. Sigh.

I’m sure everyone has the desire to grow up when you’re young. Now that I’m growing up, I don’t mind being a kid again. Growing up ain’t cool at all, srsly. Like how my parents always nag that studying is good for me, and you’ll regret not treasuring the days when you’re a student. I think they’re absolutely right.